Why Women Stay

The reasons that women may decide to remain in a violent relationship are complex and personal. Though it seems easy for us to stand on the outside and evaluate her reasoning, it remains a much more challenging task from the inside. Below is a discussion of some of the reasons why women may remain in a violent relationship.

EMOTIONAL

The woman may remember the good times and the feelings of love she had for the abuser. She may feel that those good times outweigh the bad. Usually after a violent episode, the abuser is warm and loving, making it hard for her to leave. She sees that side being the “real” person. The batterer, in his/her warm and loving stage, may promise to reform, to seek counseling, to stop drinking, to stop using drugs, etc. The woman wants to believe his/her promises.

In addition, the psychological/emotional abuse that she has endured may have scared her more than the physical abuse. She has been told… repeatedly…that she is stupid, ugly, incompetent, and no good. These emotional scars make it difficult for the woman to believe that she will be capable of building a life that does not include this abuser.

ECONOMIC DEPENCENCE

Battered women usually have little, if any, money to call their own. In their attempt to control the woman, many batterers retain absolute control over all financial resources. She may not even be aware of what their actual financial situation is.

The woman may not have any "marketable" job skills, and/or she may have been out of the work force for many years. As a result, she may fear that she is not capable of supporting her family. In today's economy, she may see that her abuser is unemployed. She begins to wonder how she could dream of making it on her own.

If the abuser is a man, like in most cases, the reality of our society is that women make only $.59-.62 for every dollar earned by a man. She is aware of this reality.

Compounding all the economic reasons stated above, she has been told...repeatedly...by her abuser that she will never make it alone. She begins to believe these statements.

FEAR

Sometimes the threat of leaving, calling the police, of finding other housing/shelter will trigger more violence. More battered women are seriously hurt or killed when they are attempting to leave the relationship than at any other time.

The batterer may threaten to "track her down" no matter where she would go. This is not an idle threat. Many abusers do track their partners and make their lives extremely difficult. She feels powerless.

The batterer may have threatened to harm her extended family and/or friends. She believes that he/she will do so.

The abuser threatens to take their children from her…either by kidnapping them, or by obtaining custody through the court system. Since the batterer is often better able to support the family than she is, she perceives this threat as real and present. Many batterers have, incredibly, been awarded custody of their children.

SHAME/EMBARRASSMENT

Many victims hide their situation due to fear of disbelief, as some abusers are respected in the community. Often, no one believes that these individuals could be batterers.

The batterer continuously tells her that the violence is her fault… not his/her own. ("If only you would ______________... Or would not ______________ … then I would not have to hit/punish you.”) She comes to believe that she is indeed responsible for the violence.

CLERGY/SOCIETY

Some clergy advocate keeping the marriage together no matter what. They urge patience and tolerance.

Our society still implies that women are inferior to men and that women are responsible for the success or failure of their marriages.

Ours is a couple-oriented society… many women fear being alone.

FRIENDS/FAMILY

The woman may find no support from her family/friends; some may not believe her; some may have the attitude that the woman," has made her bed and now she must lie in it."

Other times, she has tried to leave in the past and gotten the help from her family/friends but then went back to the abuser. If she tries to leave again, her family/friends may not support her, because they think she will return.

Often the woman's family/fiends reinforce all the myths surrounding domestic abuse: she asks for it, it is her fault; the situation is not that bad...etc.

ISOLATION

Batterers work to keep women away from their family and friends. He/she may allow the woman few - if any - outside activities or opportunities.

Having no other contacts beside her abuser, she may have come to believe… as the abuser says, that the abuser has justification for hitting/abusing her. She begins to see the abuser as all-powerful; larger than life.

Again, because of her isolation, the woman has few resources. The fewer resources she has…the fewer alternatives she has.

CHILDREN

The woman believes that the children need a father. A rotten father is better than none. If the woman has or should obtain a job, she may not be able to afford day care for her children.

The woman may also fear losing custody of her children as stated above.

In addition, the children themselves may pressure her to stay and/or return. Having grown accustomed to the advantages their father's income may afford them, they may not want to make the sacrifices they know will be necessary if she leaves. Having depersonalized her, after years of witnessing her victimization, they may no longer feel that her needs are important.

SHELTER/HOUSING

The woman may truly have nowhere to go. If she has friends/family she may be reluctant to utilize them for fear that he might find her there and/or harm those trying to help her. Women usually have children and there may be no room for them. Economic dependence/instability contributes to the difficulty of obtaining affordable/suitable housing.