A Guide for Friends & Family

Husbands, boyfriends, or intimate partners physically abuse millions of women each year. Chances are someone you know - your mother, sister, friend, co-worker, or neighbor - is a victim of domestic violence. You feel your friend's problem will "work itself out." Not so. The violence will not end until action is taken to stop it. All intimate relationships have problems, and sometimes it is difficult for others to decide when it is appropriate to intervene. How have you reacted to the possible signs that your friend/relative is being abused and needs help?

• Have you accepted her explanations for visible injuries, such as a black eye, bruises, or broken bones? Do you tend not to press her further about frequent "accidents" that cause her to miss work?
• Does her partner exert an unusual amount of control over her activities? Are you reluctant to discuss his control over family finances, the way she dresses, and her contact with friends and family?
• If her partner ridicules her publicly, do you ignore his behavior or join the laughter at her expense? Do you sense the volatile nature of his comments?
• Have you noticed changes in her or her children's behavior? Does she appear frightened or exhausted?

What Can You Do?

Lend a listening ear. Tell your friend that you care and are willing to listen. Do not force the issue but allow her to confide in you at her own pace. Never blame her for what is happening or underestimate her fear of potential danger. Focus on supporting her right to make her own decisions.

Guide her to community services. Gather information about domestic violence programs in your area. These programs offer safety, advocacy, support, legal information, and other needed services. If she asks for advice about what she should do, share the information you have gathered with her PRIVATELY. Let her know she is not alone, and that people are available to help her. Encourage her to seek the assistance of battered women's advocates. Assure her that they will keep information about her confidential. Many battered women first seek the advice of marriage counselors, psychiatrists, or pastors. Not all helping professionals, however, are fully aware of the extraordinary circumstances of abused women. If the first person she contacts is not helpful, encourage her to look elsewhere.

Focus on her strengths. Battered women live with emotional as well as physical abuse. The abuser continually tells your friend that she is a bad woman, bad wife, or a bad mother. She may believe she cannot do anything right and that there really is something wrong with her. Give her emotional support to help her believe that she is a good person. Help her examine her strengths and skills. Emphasize that she deserves a life that is free from violence.

Help her make a safety plan. Your friend may decide to remain in the violent relationship or return to the abuser after a temporary separation. Let her know that you are afraid for her and her children and help her consider how lethal the violence may be. Help her make a safety plan for herself and her children by thinking about steps she can take if her partner becomes abusive again. Make a list of people to call in an emergency. Suggest she hide a suitcase of clothing, money, social security cards, bank books, birth certificates, and school records for future emergencies.

Help her find a safe place. Help your friend contact the local battered women's program. They can help her examine options and find a safe place to go. Not all communities have safe shelter and sometimes they are full, so she may need to rely on family or friends for temporary housing. Be careful if you offer safety in your home. A battered woman frequently faces the most danger when she tries to flee and you could face threats and harm from her abuser.